Dernièrement
Originally Published in the Auburn Circle, Fall 2025
*Winner of the auburn circle writing award, judged by justin gardiner*
four in, hold, four out, hold
four in, hold, four out, hold
I’ve been practicing forgiving myself. I’ve been praying at the candle, wax melting onto the holder, sealing the two together, alchemising which is to say changing the structures chemically. I’ve been changing myself organically. I’ve been swearing, not at God this time, but letting myself speak without restrictions. I’ve been writing these prayers in a journal, picking at the clip of the pen, pondering what words to put where, before reminding myself, perfection is restricting my potential, yet achieving it still feels as though it is the purpose of trying, words feel more permanent in ink.
four in, hold, four out, hold
four in, hold, four out, hold
I’ve been practicing forgiving myself. I’ve been rising up with the sun painting hues of amethyst, gold, rose, turning to cerulean. I’ve been hearing the birdsong, a sweetening melody, reverberating through my walls, connecting my body to the world outside of it. I’ve been walking through the woods taking in the petrichor and oak leaves becoming fertile grounds for life continuing. I’ve been watching the side of the road for doe carcasses, decaying, trying to find myself in the death and rebirth. I’ve been contorting myself, like the doe must have been when running across the road, attempting to fit the mold that seems to be set for me, while trying to cast my own. I’ve been failing.
four in, hold, four out, hold
four in, hold, four out, hold
I’ve been practicing forgiving myself. I’ve been eating oranges, pressing, thumbing through the skin, chewing to pulp, spitting out pith, throwing away peel. I’ve been soaking in the bittersweet citrus, mulling over the ways we keep bending, shaping, translating ourselves for each other. I’ve been sketching ideas I’ll never explore, missing them, then accepting letting go. I’ve been sleeping on it, meaning I’ve been marinating the ideas in my neural pathways. I’ve been perfecting… again… and again… and again. I’ve been craving authenticity in art, yet neglecting it in myself.
four in, hold, four out, hold
four in, hold, four out, hold
I’ve been practicing forgiving myself. I’ve been breathing which is to say, I’ve been listening to my body, and I’ve been counting, counting the seconds that pass in the silence, counting the times I remember letting myself feel the pain of missing who I had been, always starting back at the same number because I cannot remember the one I left off on. I’ve been embracing myself, squeezing tightly, holding fast. I’ve been learning: to give without expectations, to take space without apologising, to be angry without direct provocation. I’ve been loving, then hating, then loving.
four in, hold, four out, hold
four in, hold, four out, hold